Project Hunger Games
by Project H
Summary: A direct parody of the first Hunger Games film.
1. Chapter 1

**Project Hunger Games**

By Project H

Part 1

_In penance for their uprising, each district shall offer up a male and female between the ages of 12 and 18 at a public "Reaping."_

_Much like how wheat is reaped, these tributes shall be hacked up, processed, and later eaten. Maybe. But before that they will be transferred to a public arena where they will Fight to the Death, until a lone victor remains._

_Henceforth and forevermore and hereafter and whenceforward this pageant shall be known as The Hunger Games. Until we change it to something better._

-  
*The Capitol*

Seneca: I think it's our tradition. It comes out of a particularly painful part of our history. And tradition makes everything OK. That's why we kept slavery. And the plague. And why we only allowed half of our citizens to evolve past the ape stage. Over time, The Games have grown into something that knits us all together

Crowd of over 18s: *Cheers*

Caesar: This is your third year as Gamemaker. What defines your personal signature?

Seneca: As long as 23 children die needlessly, I know I've done my job

-  
*Everdeen House*

Prim: *Crying*

Katniss: Shh, it's OK. You were just dreaming. You're safe here in this land of poverty and disease

Prim: It was me. They picked me

Katniss: It's your first year, Prim. They're not gonna pick you

Prim: What about my beginner's luck?

Katniss: *Singing* _Deep in the meadow  
__Under the willow  
__A bed of child's bones  
__Their corpses are my pillow  
_Wait...this was a terrible choice of lullaby. I'll be right back *Starts leaving*

Cat: *Hisses*

Katniss: Don't eat her while I'm gone. I haven't forgotten about what you did to my _other _little sister

-  
*The Streets of District 12*

Katniss: *Runs through*

People: *Are poor*

Children: *Are diseased*

Dog: *Actually looks fairly happy*

*The Forest*

Baby deer: *Enjoys life. Bounding around, being young and free, with its whole life ahead of it*

Katniss: *Aims sharpened arrow at its head*

Gale: What are you gonna do with that when you kill it?

Katniss: Damn you, Gale! I needed to kill it as a warning to the rest of those baby deer to stop their brutal murdering of the townsfolk

Gale: It's Reaping Day. The place is crawling with Peacekeepers

Katniss: Bastards. Trying to keep peace, like the fascists that they are. That was the first deer I've seen in a year

Gale: That's because you wiped them out last year. Same reason we can't fish anymore. Or pick apples

Katniss: Those trees had it coming. I'd murder them all again given the chance

-  
*Field*

Gale: What if everyone just stopped watching one year? And tried some of those...what do you call them, books?

Katniss: We ate all our books. And people won't stop watching. Even if they did, we'd be stuck with reruns of awful reality shows like 'Seneca and the City'

Gale: Actually, I quite liked seeing whether he could balance a happy relationship with having the job of his dreams. But if no-one watches, then they don't have a game. If a child is murdered in the woods, and nobody sees it, is it still a Hunger Games?

Katniss: No. Then it's more of a student film

Gale: We could do it, you know. Take off, live in the woods. Dibs on being woods president. You can be treasurer

Katniss: They'd catch us. We wouldn't make it five miles. And you can't take the presidency without a general election of the woods populace. Can you imagine Prim in the woods?

Gale: Well, maybe not

Katniss: I'm never having kids

Gale: I can't, after that hunting accident

Katniss: I told you, I thought it was a squirrel

Gale: Oh, I forgot *Hands bread to Katniss*

Katniss: Is this real?

Gale: Yep. No more painting rocks orange for me. Happy Hunger Games

Katniss: *In English accent* And may the odds be ever in your favour!

Gale: Hehe, yeah. Remember when England was a country? Before it sank?

Katniss: Sure do. How many times is your name in today?

Gale: 42. I thought it was a raffle to win medicine, so I just kept adding my name

Katniss: Ah well

Gale: And I wanted you and Prim to win so I added you both 50 times each

Katniss:...

-  
*Market*

Katniss: *Finds mockingjay pin* What's this?

Woman: Indigestible. Found that out the hard way

Katniss: How much?

Woman: Twice. I only tried to eat it twice. You can keep it now

*Everdeen House*

Katniss: Prim, you look beautiful. I know one young lady who plans to die in style. But you better tuck in that tail, little duck

Prim: But...why would a duck tuck in its own tail? That sounds painful

Mother: I laid something out for you too

Katniss: *Bathes, dresses, eats. No wait, she can't do that last one. No one can. Just the first two*

Prim: I wish I looked like you

Katniss: Oh no, I wish I looked like you, little duck. All little, and feathery, and eating soggy bread crumbs. What a life. Wanna see what I got you today?

Prim: Medicine?

Katniss: Haha! Oh little duck. It's a mockingjay pin, to protect you. If something bad happens, turn it around and stick that pin right in their eye

-  
*Town square*

Children: *Marching as one in dirty grey clothing*

Guy in pink shirt: I picked the absolute worst day to mix up my colours and my greys in the wash

Prim: *Panics*

Katniss: It's OK. You just need to sign in. They're gonna prick your finger and take a bit of blood. What's the worst they could do? Threaten to starve you? Ha, we beat them to it!

Peacekeeper: *Tests blood from Prim* Hmm, says here you've got diabetes, scurvy, dysentery and rabies. She's District 12 alright, send her through

Katniss: *Steps forward*

Peacekeeper: *Tests blood from Katniss* Ah, just HIV and tapeworm. Congratulations

Katniss: Thanks

Effie: Welcome! Happy Hunger Games, and may the odds be ever in your favour. Because if they're not *Drags thumb across throat*. Now, before we begin, we have a very special film brought to you all the way from the Capitol

Gale: Ugh, I hate foreign films

Film: _War. Widows, orphans, a motherless child. But it's not all good fun. This was the uprising that rocked our land. 13 districts rebelled against the country that fed them, loved them, and gave each district a fresh glass of drinking water each year. Thousands of district civilians were slain, and in the Capitol, someone chipped a really nice marble fountain. From war, a people rose up from the ashes, and a new era was born. But freedom has a cost. When the traitors were defeated, two Capitol citizens representing the entire nation swore that we would never know this treason again. And so it was decreed that each year the various districts of Panem would offer up in tribute one young man and woman to fight to the death in a pageant of honour, courage and sacrifice, to stop those pesky rebellions of 13 year olds that had so nearly overthrown the Capitol. This is how we remember our past. This is how we safeguard our future. This is how we fill 30 weeks of television ratings season _

Effie: Now the time has come for us to select one courageous young man and woman for the honour of representing District 12. To be remembered forever alongside such past representatives as 'The boy who was speared through his eye,' 'The girl sliced in two by that rusty sword' and 'That kid who went crazy and started eating his own decaying flesh until there was nothing left.'

Katniss: I used to sit behind him in school

Effie: As usual, ladies first. They always get second-best when it comes to working conditions and wages, so in the interests of fairness they get to know first whether they will be viciously murdered. *Reaches hand into bowl and draws out a name* Primrose Everdeen!

Katniss: Uh...maybe it's a different Primrose Everdeen

Prim: *Walks forward*

Effie: Come on up, dear. Oh yes, those pigtails will be very easy for someone to hold onto while they decapitate you

Katniss: I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute!

Effie: I believe we have a volunteer. Shame, that little girl would have left an adorable corpse. Would have been great for merchandising

Katniss: Prim, get out of here. Go find Mum. Let her know I'll be home late. Or never

Gale: *Carries Prim away, claiming her as his family's dinner for the night*

Effie: Well, District 12's very first volunteer. What's your name?

Katniss: Katniss Everdeen

Effie: Well Catfish, I bet my hat that was your sister, wasn't it? She doesn't seem worth saving otherwise. Looked like a bit of a jerk, if I'm being honest

Katniss: Yes, she was my sister

Effie: Let's have a big hand for our very first volunteer, Mattress Feverdream

Crowd: *Gives three finger salute*

Effie: Ooh, I hope that's not obscene. And, as I always say when I get home after a long day, now for the boys! *Draws name out of bowl* Peeta Mellark

Peeta thinking: _Alright, don't panic. Maybe someone will volunteer for you. You've got brothers...or friends. Anyone? Anyone here who would like to take a chance in the arena and escape a life of hideous poverty rather than see me get murdered? No? Damn_ *Walks up to stage*

Effie: Here we are – the tributes from District 12. Shake hands, you two. Before either of you have them severed off

Katniss: *Remembers seeing Peeta...in the rain...near a tree. She doesn't actually remember all that much*

Effie: Happy Hunger Games, and don't focus too much on the fact they're both going to die soon. Oh wait...sorry, wasn't meant to read that part out. May the odds be ever in your favour! And now, all rise for the Panem national anthem

All: _Oh Panem, oh Panem  
Thank you for keeping us poor  
We don't have to worry about taxes  
Or living past age 34_

_Keep spoiling yourselves with gifts and toys  
Don't worry about our health  
And this whole 'lacking clean water' thing  
Will probably take care of itself_

_All our predators starved to death  
__Like wolf and bear and eagle  
__And thank you for finally  
__Making cannibalism legal_

_We'll never disagree with you  
__Or try to start a riot  
__Mum and dad deserved to die  
__For not knowing when to keep quiet_

_Oh Panem, oh Panem  
__Thank you for being our friend  
__There's another 13 verses left  
__But we'll be dead before the end..._

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. Chapter 2

**Project Hunger Games**

By Project H

Part 2

*Inside the Justice Building*

Man: You have three minutes

Prim: *Runs in and hugs Katniss*

Katniss: It's OK. Shhh. Listen, you're going to be OK. Don't take any extra food from them. Just eat my bed. I won't be needing it anymore. Gale will bring you game. You can sell cheese from your goat. I've planned this out long in advance. I've thought about abandoning you a heap of times before

Prim: Just try to win. Maybe you can. I'll poison Peeta if it will help. *Hands mockingjay pin to Katniss* To protect you

Katniss: Thank you. If they fire an arrow exactly at its centre...I may die a little slower

Mrs Everdeen: Hello Katniss. It is I, your mother, Mrs Everdeen. How are you? I am your mother

Katniss: You can't tune out again. Not like when dad died

Mrs Everdeen: I won't. I actually love your father. This won't be as difficult. I'm your mother Mrs Everdeen

Katniss: Whatever you feel, you have to be there for her

Mrs Everdeen: I will. Or my name isn't Mrs Everdeen, your mother

Man: It's time

Katniss: Wait! I never got to learn my mother's first name!

Mrs Everdeen and Prim: *Leave*

Gale: *Enters* Watch out, there's a _Gale_ coming through! Haha, but seriously, sorry that you're going to die

Katniss: Don't worry, I'm fine

Gale. Listen to me. You're stronger than they are. Especially Peeta. Guy's a wimp. I saw him in the hall and shoved him into a pot plant. When you're in there, get to a bow

Katniss: They may not have-

Gale: Or some sort of button that when you press it everyone around you dies. Is that a thing? Get one of those. Get two. They just want a good show. That's all they want. Can you do ventriloquism? Try to work that into some of the murders. And you know how to hunt

Katniss: Animals

Gale: It's no different. Just imagine people as deer that walk on two legs and know how to read

Katniss: Whatever you do, don't let them starve

Gale: They won't. Not if the leprosy gets them first

Man: Time's up. Can you believe this is my entire job? The job interview just required me to open a door and read a clock

-  
*Train*

Effie: You two are in for a treat. Crystal chandeliers, platinum doorknobs, water without flesh-eating bacteria. Now, before you do anything else, make sure you wash up. Get rid of that District 12 smell. All coal, dirt and death. And lacking the scent of perfume, jewellery and servants

*Main carriage*

Effie: I think one of the wonderful things about this opportunity is you get to enjoy all of this. Now you don't have to die wondering what shampoo is. I'm going to find Haymitch. He's probably in the bar car. Which is actually just his room *Leaves*

Peeta: Have you ever met him? Haymitch?

Katniss:...

Katniss thinking: _They have double chocolate cake? This is too much. I've never had single chocolate cake. I'm in way over my head_

Peeta: You know, Katniss, he _is_ our mentor. He did win this thing

Katniss thinking: _Strawberry ice-cream? What is ice-cream, and which strawberry bushes do you get it from?_

Peeta: If you don't want to talk, I understand, but I just don't think there's anything wrong with getting a little bit of help

Katniss: *Remembers Peeta throwing bread to pigs, and how she oinked in an attempt to trick him out of a few loaves*

Haymitch: *Stumbles in* Congratulations

Peeta: Eh, thank you?

Haymitch: Not you. I was talking to the scotch. It was just selected for today's 332nd Drinking Games *Drinks scotch*

Peeta: OK, so, when do we start?

Haymitch: Woah, woah. You're so eager. Most of you aren't in such a hurry. Don't worry, you won't miss being murdered. They've reserved a place for you

Peeta: I wanna know what the plan is. You're our mentor. You tell us how to get sponsors and give us advice

Haymitch: Alrighty. Here's what I recommend – watch the Games from afar while incredibly drunk. I find it is a lot more enjoyable than the whole 'fighting for your life' thing

Katniss: Then why are you here?

Haymitch: I keep forgetting why I'm an alcoholic. Seeing the mass murders, not unlike those I once committed myself, reminds me

Peeta: That's enough of that *Goes to take drink from Haymitch*

Haymitch: *Holds Peeta back with a foot on his chest* If you can't beat my foot, how to you expect to beat entire bodies of people? And you made me spill my drink on these brand new pants. That's my one annual pair! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go and fashion some shower curtains into trousers *Leaves*

Peeta: I'm gonna talk to him. I reckon I can sell him some scones to eat while he drinks himself to death *Follows Haymitch*

Katniss: That was weird...and why is there something labelled 'fish fingers' on the table over there? Do fish from the Capitol grow fingers?

-  
*Katniss' room, Katniss watching television*

Caesar: *Commentating highlights from previous Games* Here we have two very fit 16-year-olds

Claudius: You'd almost want to see them ask each other on a date, if one of them wasn't currently ripping out the throat of another

Caesar: And remember this year? One of my favourites. So few competitors these days rely on classic techniques like repeatedly crushing an opponent's head under a large rock

Claudius: I don't have children, but if I did, I would hope to see them crushing heads with rocks almost every week

Caesar: And here is the moment you never forget. The moment when a tribute becomes a victor. Look at the tears of triumph in his eyes. His knees go weak with ecstasy. He vomits in enjoyment. He commits suicide due to the sheer joy he feels. Marvelous

Katniss: *Turns off television and returns to main car*

Haymitch:...you'd freeze to death

Peeta: No, because then I'd light a fire

Haymitch: Peeta, for the last time, you can't hide in the train freezer until the Games are finished

Peeta: I _donut_ see why not

Haymitch:...that better not become a thing you do

Katniss: What better not?

Haymitch: Oh joy. I was just giving some lifesaving advice. Like that eating your own hair doesn't provide nutrition. And that the stove is hot

Peeta: *Hides burnt hand* I was just asking about how to find shelter

Haymitch: And I said a coffin in a hole in the ground will protect you just fine

Katniss: How do you find shelter?

Haymitch: Give me time to wake-up, sweetheart. It's only 3.30 in the afternoon. What am I, a baker?

Katniss: *Stabs knife into table*

Effie: That is mahogany!

Katniss: It's just a table

Effie: No, you stabbed Mahogany the waitress in the hand!

Mahogany: *Cries and runs from room*

Haymitch: You really want to know how to stay alive? You get people to like you. People rarely slaughter people they like. When you're in the middle of the games and you're starving or freezing or have a bit of a runny nose, gifts from sponsors can mean the difference between life and death. And to get sponsors, you have to make people like you. Big companies. Say something nice about interest rates, and a bank might sponsor you. Make the death of the other children as slow and as painful as possible, relishing in the steady flow of their blood, and you'll probably be sponsored by a law firm

Peeta: *Looking out window* There it is! The Capitol. It's huge. And look, Katniss, their walls haven't all been eaten by termites and homeless people

Crowd: *Cheers*

Peeta: *Waves and smiles* Come on, Katniss

Haymitch: You better keep this knife. He knows what he's doing

Katniss: I understand *Stabs Peeta*

Haymitch: That's not what I meant!

-  
*The Capitol*

Caesar: So now that you've seen them, what do you think about this year's crop of recruits?

Seneca: It's hard to tell just from the reaping, but I think this is a very interesting mix. Whenever you have a volunteer from an outlying district, that's something that you can't ignore. People out there love their lifestyle of sleeping in mud and spontaneously bleeding. Hard to imagine why she would want to leave

Beauticians: *Clean and groom Katniss*

Katniss: What are you doing?

Beautician 1: Oh, we're just saying we might need to hose you down again. And maybe peel your face off and replace it with a nicer one. Just minor changes

Beautician 2: Yes. Until you look as good as I do, with my sagging eyes, green hair, pierced throat and three and a half breasts, we can't send you in to Cinna

-  
*Katniss' room*

Cinna: That was one of the bravest thing I've ever seen. With your sister. Offering to go up on the stage with your hair looking like that. I never would have had the guts. My name's Cinna

Katniss: Katniss

Cinna: I'm sorry that this happened to you, Cactus. But I'm here so that whatever happens next, you look good during it. Sure, you may be torn limb from limb, but you won't have a single split-end

Katniss: Most people just congratulate me

Cinna: Of course. Congratulations on getting such a fine stylist. I truly envy you. Tonight they have the tribute parade, and we're going to show you off to the world

Katniss: So you're here to make me look pretty?

Cinna: I'm not a miracle worker. I'm here to help you make an impression. You've been rocking the malnourished and sick look, but that's become very blasé. Very last year. Practically everyone was starving to death. Did they explain about trying to get sponsors?

Katniss: Yeah, but I'm not very good at making friends. I'm better at firing arrows through skulls. And that makes for a poor first impression

Cinna: I just think that somebody that brave shouldn't be dressed up in some stupid costume. Especially not the hideous one I plan on giving that bread kid

-  
*Tribute Parade*

Cinna: This is safe, I promise. It's not real fire. Except on Peeta's. His costume was so garish I just had to burn it

Caesar: Over 100,000 people are craning to get a glimpse of which tributes will leave the most beautiful corpses this year

Claudius: And sponsors get to see the tributes for the first time, and for perhaps the last time with all their internal organs in the correct position. It's also a great chance to work out which tributes you'd like to see get together in the arena. I think we're all secretly hoping for some Cato/Glimmer romance

Caesar: The importance of this moment cannot be overstated. Figuratively speaking, it is life or death. The literally life or death part comes shortly after

Claudius: There they are, this year's tributes. And don't you love how the stylists are so clearly able to reflect the character of each district?

Caesar: Absolutely. Look at how the essence of District 11 has been perfectly captured by dressed their tributes up as dead children having their bones picked at by vultures

Claudius: And District 2 are just dressed as giant diamonds. It's excessive and unnecessary and I love it!

Caesar: And then...what is _that_ in the background?

Katniss and Peeta: *Ride into the arena on fire*

Peeta: *Tries to grab Katniss' hand*

Katniss: No! I don't want flour and butter all over me

Peeta: Come on, they'll love it

Katniss: *Grabs Peeta's hand and holds it up*

Caesar: I love this. Two young people holding up their hands and saying "I'm proud I come from District 12, and fully understand that I will likely be burned to death within seconds of entering the arena." Peeta is flaming, as usual, but Katniss also looks magnificent

President Snow: Tributes, we welcome you. And to save time later, we also say goodbye to you forever. We salute your courage, sacrifice, or just incredibly bad luck at randomly being selected to be slaughtered. And we wish you a happy Hunger Games, right up until the moment your young lives are tragically ended

Crowd: *Cheers*

Katniss:...I'm still not entirely certain whether they like us or not

-  
*Backstage*

Cinna: That was amazing. We are all anybody is going to be talking about. And maybe a little about Peeta too. Just in passing

Haymitch: So brave

Katniss: Are you sure you should be near an open flame?

Haymitch: Are you sure you should be near people? You'll either kill them or make them embarrassed for you. Probably both

Cato: *Angry look*

Katniss: If looks could kill...

Haymitch: Then your sourface would be your ultimate weapon in the Games

TO BE CONTINUED...


	3. Chapter 3

**Project Hunger Games**

By Project H

Part 3

*Training room*

Woman: In two weeks, 23 of you will be dead. But don't let that get you too excited. During training, no fighting with the other tributes. If you absolutely _have_ to kill someone, just poison them quietly. There are four compulsory exercises – Survival, combat, nutrition, and modern dance. Most of you will die from natural causes – 10% from infection, 20% from loneliness

Tributes: *Start training*

Foxface: *Plays some sort of computer game. Alright...*

Cato: You took my knife!

Tribute boy: What?

Cato: You stole my knife!

Tribute boy: You can't own a knife. Knives are free to live their own lives

Rue: *Laughs at the fact she stole a knife and made the most dangerous tribute even more dangerous by getting him angry*

-  
*Dinner*

Haymitch: Cato's a Career. They train in a special academy until they're 18, then they volunteer. So they're like Katniss except, you know, they have a chance of winning

Effie: But they don't receive any special treatment. No point, since they're going to win and be pampered for the rest of their lives anyway. And I don't think they let them have dessert, and you can. Eat up Katniss, you're almost back up to your birth weight

Haymitch: The Careers can be arrogant, and arrogance can be a big problem. Maybe not as big as being a useless baker from a poor district, but a problem nonetheless. Katniss, I hear you can shoot

Katniss: I'm alright

Peeta: She's better than alright. My father buys her squirrels. Although only because he's afraid she'll shoot him if he doesn't

Katniss: Peeta's strong. He can throw a 100-pound sack of flour over his head

Peeta: I won't kill anybody with a sack of flour. Unless...Haymitch, how many of the tributes are sacks of flour?

Katniss: You'll have a better chance of winning if-

Peeta: I have no chance of winning! None! You know what my mother said?

Katniss: Probably something stupid about cakes. Stupid bakers

Peeta: She said District 12 might finally have a winner

Katniss: You?

Peeta: She said a _female_ winner

Katniss:...you?

Peeta: She was talking about YOU! *Leaves*

*Katniss flashback*

_Peeta's mother: Dammit Peeta! This isn't a baguette! It's more like a bad-ette!_

_Peeta: *Throws bread to pigs*_

_Katniss: *Stares*_

_Peeta: *Throws bread into mud in front of Katniss. Not to Katniss, to the mud in front of Katniss. Nice one* _

*End flashback*

Katniss: I'm done too. Send courses seven, eight and nine up to my room *Leaves*

-  
*Training*

Cato: *Stabbing dummies*

Katniss: No point in practicing killing a whole bunch of dummies. Peeta is only _one _of the tributes

Peeta: *Falls out of a net*

Cato: Haha! Good thing there are no tributes named Annette. Because you just fell out of...a net...haha!

Peeta: Ugh. That guy is such a _crepe_

Katniss: Peeta, throw that metal thing over there

Peeta: No, Haymitch said we're not supposed to show our skills

Katniss: Well you've already shown how skilled you are at making an ass of yourself

Peeta: Good point. *Picks up metal thing, throws metal thing, forgets to let go of metal thing, goes flying into stack of javelins*

Katniss: I said you _already_ showed you can make an ass of yourself

*Later*

Peeta: *Painting hand to look like bark*

Katniss: How did you do that? Sorry, not 'how'. _Why_ did you do that?

Peeta: I used to decorate cakes down at the bakery. People were always asking for cakes camouflaged as trees for some reason. I also do great fairy cakes. Hopefully if I disguise myself as a fairy in the arena, no one will know it's me

Katniss: Don't count on it

-  
*Prep room*

Haymitch: Tomorrow they'll bring you in one by one and evaluate you. This is important, because higher ratings will mean sponsors. This is the time to show them everything, so have something prepared

Peeta: I've prepared a heartbreaking rendition of "When a man loves a woman"

Haymitch: So it's settled – no sponsors for Peeta. Katniss, there will be a bow. Make sure you use it. Preferably as a bow. Don't wear it or anything

Peeta: Well there goes my big finale

-  
*Outside test room*

Peeta: So...looking forward to the Hunger Games?

Katniss: Shut up

Woman: _Katniss Everdeen_

Katniss: *Enters room*

Judges: *Talk amongst themselves*

Katniss: *Fires arrow badly*

Judges: *Laugh*

Katniss: Hmm, must be fans of slapstick *Fires arrow perfectly*

Judges: *Are not watching perfectly*

Judge 1: Yo momma's so rich, her money pile has its own zipcode

Judge 2: Haha! Well yo momma's so rich, her diamonds...have their own zipcode

Seneca: Hey! Who ordered this pig? And why didn't you order 100? I don't wanna wait until the Hunger Games to see senseless killings

Katniss: *Fires arrow through apple in pig's mouth* Let that be a lesson to the other tributes – don't be apples. Thank you for your consideration

-  
*District 12 penthouse*

Effie: Are you crazy?

Katniss: No! I'm just constantly dizzy from starvation and disease!

Effie: You realise that your actions reflect badly on all of us?!

Katniss: You realise that_ your_ actions reflect badly on all of us?!

Cinna: You realise that Peeta reflects badly on all of us?!

Peeta: Hey...not nice. True, but not nice

Haymitch: *Walks in and gives a thumbs up to Katniss*

Katniss: Thanks, Haymitch

Haymitch: Why? Wait, am I giving you a thumbs up? When I've drunk this much bleach I lose control of my hands. What did they do when you shot the apple?

Katniss: Well they looked pretty startled

Haymitch: Haha, great

Katniss: And started whispering about ways to make sure I die really early in the Games

Haymitch: Haha, not so great. And what did you do, Peeta?

Peeta: I failed the first challenge. I kept pushing the door and didn't realise it said 'Pull'

Haymitch: I don't think that was one of the challenges

-  
*District 12 penthouse, watching the television*

Caesar: As you all know, the tributes were rated on a scale of 1 to 12 after three days of careful evaluation and napping by our Gamekeepers. From District 1, Marvel, with a score of 9. Also from District 1, DC, with a score of 8. Not quite as good...

Peeta: Oh I don't know about that

Caesar: Cato with a score of 10. Clove is also a 10. You don't have to tell me. Rue with a score of 7, presumably the Gamekeepers assume she will be devoured by the other Tributes and cause them to choke. From District 12, Peeta Mellark...oh, they haven't given him a score. They've just drawn a frowny face

Cinna: Bravo!

Effie: Fantastic

Haymitch: Better than anyone expected

Caesar: And finally, from District 12, Katniss Everdeen with a score of 11

Cinna: Outstanding!

Effie: Yes!

Katniss: I thought they hated me

Haymitch: They do. But they must have been really impressed with your ability to screw up your first arrow shot badly, do a good second shot, and then demonstrate absolutely no other skills

Katniss: I didn't realise that's what they were looking for

Haymitch: And they're required to give bonus points for demonstrating sass

Cinna: To Katniss Everdeen – 'The Girl on Fire!'

Peeta: Hey...remember that time I got an 8? Wasn't that great?

Everyone chanting: Katniss! Katniss! Katniss!

-  
*Snow's garden*

Snow: An 11?

Seneca: She earned it

Snow: She get a sass bonus?

Seneca: Yep

Snow: I don't know why we introduced that rule. She shot an arrow at your head

Seneca: Well, at an apple

Snow: You're assuming she hit her intended target. Seneca, why do you think we have a winner?

Seneca: Because the losers aren't able to give victory speeches?

Snow: If we wanted to intimidate the districts, why not round up 24 of them at random and execute them all at once?

Seneca: Too difficult to bet on?

Snow: Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear

Seneca: I knew a guy at school who was so strong he could lift five full school bags at once

Snow: A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous. A spark is fine, as long as it is contained

Seneca: I'm sorry, I stopped listening. What did you say after 'sass bonus'?

Snow: Contain the spark!

Seneca: Sure. You got it...

Snow:...

Seneca:...wanna wash each other's beards?

Snow: You misunderstand our relationship, Seneca

-  
*District 12 penthouse*

Everyone: *Eating*

Effie: Oh Haymitch, you should join us. We're having some of your favourites for dinner – methylated spirits and arsenic

Katniss: Where's Peeta?

Haymitch: He's in his room, staring at a mirror and saying "8 is still good, 8 is still good." Now listen, tomorrow's the last day that they let us work with our own tributes right before the Games, so you and I will plan to go down at 9. But I probably won't actually wake until noon

Katniss: What about Peeta?

Haymitch: He says he wants to be trained on his own from now on. Probably a good idea. He really needs to be taught some Remedial Strangling. And he failed his Poisoning 101 class. Also, he can't read

-  
*The Stage*

Crowd: *Cheers*

Caesar: Thank you! Welcome to the 74th Annual Hunger Games! Annual, if you don't count that weird year that the Capitol President decided to outlaw murder. Glad we voted him out. In five minutes, all your favourite tributes will be out here. Also Peeta Mellark. Are you excited?!

Crowd: YEAH!

Caesar: Let me hear it!

Crowd: YEAH!

Caesar: An idiot crowd says 'Yeah'

Crowd: YEA- ooh, you almost got us

*Backstage*

Katniss: *Spinning in her dress*

Cinna: Do you realise how beautiful you look?

Katniss: Well I don't have maggots in my hair and teeth, so I imagine better than usual. I just don't know how to get people to like me

Cinna: Just be yourself out there

Katniss: I can't do that. I can't kill _all_ those people. Not yet...

Cinna: Just pretend that you're talking to me, OK?

Katniss: OK. But that's a lot of people I'm going to have to mentally undress

*On stage*

Caesar:...let's see if she does indeed shine. Let's have a warm round of applause for Glimmer!

Glimmer: Thank you, Caesar. I've really been making the most of my final week having my face look this symmetrical and not-smashed-in

Caesar: Wonderful

*Other contestants come and go*

Caesar: Marvel, ladies and gentlemen!

Marvel: Whoo!

Caesar: I think he'll be our 'annoying jerk' contestant. Please welcome Clove!

Clove: I'm just hoping to have a great time and make lots of new friends

Caesar:...

Clove: That I will then brutally slay

Caesar: Fantastic!

Cato: It's an honour representing my district. And being able to show off these biceps at a national level

Caesar: Cato! Happy for his last public appearance to be in a neon jacket

Peeta, in line: Damn it! Cato stole my biceps joke

Katniss: Don't worry. They're enough of a joke on their own

Caesar: So you can climb trees, you're pretty quick, but are you a hunter? A gatherer?

Rue: *Yawns* I think it's passed my bedtime. Can I have a warm milk?

Caesar: Certainly. And you can also be thrown into a violent bloodbath with kids twice your age and size. Kids have it so easy these days

Peeta: Is he talking about me?

TO BE CONTINUED...


	4. Chapter 4

**Project Hunger Games**

By Project H

Part 4

*Stage*

Caesar: From District 12, you know her as the Girl on Fire, or as District 12's most masculine contestant, Katniss Everdeen!

Katniss: *Walks on stage*

Caesar: You made quite the entrance at the tribute parade the other day. Do you want to tell us about it?

Katniss: Yes. I entered the tribute parade the other day

Caesar:...did you want to go into more detail?

Katniss: No thanks

Caesar: I have to say, my heart stopped. And not just because I'd eaten my own weight in chocolate fudge-covered bacon for breakfast. Tell me about the flames. Are they real? We haven't seen such a flaming contestant since D'wayan in Hunger Games 67

Katniss: Yes, they're real. As real as the Capitol's concern about all of our welfare. In fact, I'm wearing them today

Caesar:...as underwear? Well we all know what it's like to have a burning sensation in our-

Katniss: Would you like to see?

Caesar: Is it safe?

Katniss: As long as you used under 3 cans of hairspray this morning

Caesar:...I'll step back a little bit

Katniss: *Spins her fire dress*

Caesar: Wow! That was really something. A girl being set on fire – quite the preview for the Games themselves. I have one more question for you

Katniss: That assistant was already dead when they came to my room. You can't prove a thing

Caesar: It's about your sister

Katniss: No, as far as I know she doesn't like older men

Caesar: We were all very moved when you volunteered for her at the reaping. Did she come and say goodbye to you?

Katniss: Yes she did. I told her that I would try to win. And if I did, she'd be subjected to a life of "Oh, you don't want to do my chores for me? I don't remember _not wanting to die for you_ in the Hunger Games!"

Caesar: Ladies and gentlemen, Katniss Everdeen!

-  
*On stage, several minutes later*

Caesar: Ladies and gentlemen, Peeta Mellark! How are you finding the Capitol?

Peeta: Different to back home. The showers here are weird. They don't just spray us with chemical waste from nearby factories. They actually use...am I saying this right...wa-ter? And tell me – do I smell like roses?

Caesar: I'm not allowed to smell the contestants. Not anymore. I also can't lick you, but I think that's more a guideline than a rule

Peeta: Well you certainly smell better than I do

Caesar: Well, I've lived here longer. And the other contestants didn't throw me in a dumpster before I came out on stage

Peeta: They said they did it to everyone else before I got there. I thought they were inducting me into their friendship group

Caesar: So Peeta, is there a special girl back home?

Peeta: Not really. I made one out of buns once but birds ate it

Caesar: I find that hard to believe. Handsome, non-threatening, feminine man like you, surely some girl has dated you to hide the truth from her parents

Peeta: There is this one girl that I've had a crush on forever. But I don't think she actually noticed me until the reaping

Caesar: It can be hard to get a girl's attention. Unless you're a flamboyant television personality with bright blue hair. Peeta, you go out there and win that thing, and when you get home she'll have to go out with you. It will be her national duty

Peeta: Thanks, but I don't think winning will help me at all...because she came here with me

Caesar: Rue? That's disgusting. Peeta Mellark, everybody!

-  
*Backstage*

Katniss: *Slams Peeta against wall* You don't talk to me then say you have a crush on me?

Peeta: Eh...I'm not good with girls

Katniss: And I'm about to make you not good at not being strangled to death!

Haymitch: Enough! He did you a favour

Katniss: He made me look weak

Haymitch: He made you look desirable

Katniss: Desirable people are weak. That's why their ends split

Cinna: He's right, Katniss. Though as a fashionista, I am legally required to side with someone with such fabulous blonde locks

Haymitch: I can sell the star-crossed lovers from District 12

Katniss: We're NOT star-crossed lovers!

Haymitch: It's a television show! As soon as they started putting toddler beauty pageants on air, it was only a matter of time before adolescent genocide made it to prime time. Being in love with that boy might just get you sponsors

Katniss: You want me to fake affection for someone to get gifts

Haymitch: Plenty of great marriages have been built around that

-  
*Rooftop*

Katniss: *Walks to windowsill*

Peeta: Can't sleep?

Katniss: I can never sleep when I know I'll be killing people soon. Too excited

Peeta: I just don't want them to change me

Katniss: Sure. You're walking perfection

Peeta: I don't want to be turned into something I'm not

Katniss: Competent?

Peeta: I don't wanna be another piece in their game, you know?

Katniss: You'd be a...is there a piece that's more useless than a pawn?

Peeta: I just keep wishing I could think of a way to show them that they don't own me

Katniss: Well if you throw away the receipt, they'll have no proof that they purchased you

Peeta: You know, if I'm gonna die, I wanna still be me. Leave behind a beautiful, cinnamony corpse

Katniss: I can't afford to think like that. I have my sister

Peeta: I have a tray of miniature mince pies I was working on, but I don't think it's the same thing...

Katniss: Probably not

Peeta: Maybe this crush thing would be more believable if you said you also had a crush on-

Katniss: See you tomorrow

Peeta: Yep, that's right. See you tomorrow. I was about to say exactly that

-  
*Underneath the arena*

Haymitch: They'll put all kinds of stuff right in front, right in the mouth of the Cornucopia. They'll even be a bow there. Don't go for it

Katniss: Why not?

Haymitch: It'll blow the gamekeepers minds! They'll be all "What?! She didn't grab the bow! Son of a bitch!"

Katniss: Ugh. I thought Effie took all your liquor

Haymitch: She did. But I found a jar of that stuff that barbers soak their combs in and I drank that. Make sure you run, and find water. Water's your new best friend. Don't make best friends with the other competitors because you need to kill them. Did I explain that part to you already? You actually need to kill people in this. I think I may have mentioned it...

Katniss: *Steps out of elevator and walks towards ship*

Haymitch: You can do this, Katniss...oh shoot! I had another tribute too. What was his name?

-  
*Prep room*

Cinna: I'm not allowed to bet, but if I could, I'd bet on Peeta to die first. They're offering 1-1 odds, but I still think it's good value

Computerised voice: 20 seconds...

Katniss: Goodbye Cinna. Thank you for making sure I die in nice clothes

Computerised voice: 10 seconds...

Katniss: *Climbs into pod*

Computerised voice: 3...2...

Katniss: Wait, I need to use the toile-

Pod: *Rises up*

-  
*Arena*

Katniss: Ugh, that sun is intense. I hope there's some SPF 40 to go with those killing implements

*Control room*

Controller 1: 50...49...48...47...

Controller 2: Ooh, don't get distracted! Don't mess up your only job!

Controller 1: 35...34...33...32...

Controller 2: 27...44...7...181...

Seneca: Shut up! If this killing of 23 children doesn't go smoothly, we're all dead!

*Katniss' house*

Mrs Everdeen: *Watching television*

Prim: Remember, we're only watching this because it's a commercial on Channel 7. I'm switching back in 30 seconds

*Field*

Gale: *Sitting and staring* Damn family wouldn't pay for cable

*Arena*

Timer: 5...4...3...2...1...

Many children: *Die*

Other children: *Kill them*

Marvel: Tell me if you see a left-handed knife. I can only use left-handed knives

Clove: There's one in this girl's head

Thresh: *Smashes child's skull* I use violence to cover for my limited social skills. I'm eternally sorry

Katniss: *Grabs pack and runs*

Peeta: *Grabs nothing and runs*

*Outside arena*

Sponsor 1: I think I'll sponsor that kid from District 6...no wait, there go his lungs

Sponsor 2: Do you use this competition to distract from the fact you can't have children of your own?

Sponsor 1: Let's not talk about this here

-  
*The Forest*

Katniss: *Opens pack* Alright, we've got a water bottle, some plastic, a coil thingy, a hairdryer, a "Congratulations on your purchase of an Undersee Quality Backpack" card, and the blood of a small child. I don't think that last one was originally meant to be part of it

Cannon: *Fires*

Caesar: *In studio* And of course, there's the familiar boom of the cannon, which marks the end of another fallen tribute. Bonus points go to competitors who can kill tributes in such a manner as to cause the cannon to sound in time with a song

Katniss: *Collects water, builds fire, eats squirrel, climbs tree*

Dialogue: *Is nonexistent. Making it difficult for me to make jokes*

-  
*Control room*

Seneca: Let's project the names and faces into the sky. Let the tributes know which of them have died

Controller 1: *Flashes names on dome*

Controller 2: Hey Gary, if you're listing things that have died, you should include your first marriage

Controller 1: Oh shut up

TO BE CONTINUED...


	5. Chapter 5

**Project Hunger Games**

By Project H

Part 5

*Studio*

Caesar: That makes 13 dead in the first eight hours. If this ends early, we'll have to go to reruns of 'Seneca in the City'. And Claudius, I think I see an alliance forming...

*Arena*

Katniss: *Is woken by noises below*

Marvel: Did you see the look on her face?

Glimmer: Of course. And I've got her face in my bag if anyone wants to see it again

Cato: Hey lover boy, you're sure she went this way?

Peeta: As sure as my name is Peeta and I'm genuinely trying to help you *Walks ahead*

Glimmer: Are you sure we shouldn't just kill him now?

Cato: Let's wait a while. If we find some flour, eggs and milk, he could whip us up something pretty special. And I want us to celebrate our 10 hour anniversary in style

Glimmer: Oh you!

-  
*Next day*

Katniss: *Walking along a cliff*

Controller 1: Sir, she is almost at the edge

Seneca: Let's turn her around. Is there a way of asking her nicely?

Controller 1: No

Seneca: Alright. Set the trees on fire

Trees: *Catch fire*

Katniss: *Runs, burns leg*

Caesar: Well you could say things are certainly _heating up_ in the arena

Claudius: Absolutely. Katniss has certainly gotten _fired up_

Caesar: She'll go out in a _blaze_ of glory

Claudius: She's certainly be the _Girl on Fire_ after this

Caesar:...and she'll get burnt

Claudius:...

Caesar: You took the last good one

Katniss: *Leaps into river*

Careers: *Frolic and dance into view*

Marvel: There she is!

Peeta: Wonderful...let's stop here and hold a party to celebrate

Katniss: *Climbs tree*

Glimmer: Where you going, Girl on Fire?

Clove: Nothing up there is going to help you

Peeta: I'll blow up balloons if Marvel gets the streamers

Cato: *Starts climbing tree*

Glimmer: Go Cato!

Marvel: You've got this!

Peeta: Anyone want to play pass the parcel?

Cato: *Falls down*

Glimmer: Cato, what the hell? We had a whole class dedicated to tree climbing

Cato: I skipped it to take an extra 'Witty quips' class. It was worth it when I decapitated that girl and said "I've always known how to get _ahead_"

Peeta: Let's just wait her out. She's gotta come down at some point. And we've gotta eat this 'Congratulations on finding Katniss in the river' cake

Cato: OK. Someone make a fire

Peeta: Can we not use me as firewood this time?

Glimmer: Be quiet and arrange yourself like a pile of sticks

-  
*Capitol*

Haymitch: Things are looking bad...I'll need to use all my charisma to pull out a miracle here. Hey Sponsor!

Sponsor: What?

Haymitch: Send Katniss some cream or that Peeta dweeb might win

Sponsor: You got it!

-  
*Arena*

Katniss: *Opens gift*

Card: _Apply generously and stay alive. – H  
__P.S. If you look to the camera and say "I hunger for power steering and dual airbags" a car company has agreed to sponsor you_

*Morning*

Careers: *Sleeping*

No one: *Is on watch*

Rue: Psst *Points to nest*

Caesar: Those look like tracker jackers. Am I wrong?

Claudius: What? I have no idea, I've been awake for 30 hours straight and I no longer care about these damn Games. I just want to sleep

Caesar: For those of you who don't know, tracker jackers are genetically engineered wasps. Why genetically engineer wasps? Shut up, that's why!

Katniss: *Cuts nest down from tree*

Tracker jackers: Our home! Our genetically engineered home!

Careers: *Scream and run*

Glimmer: *Screams more, runs less*

Katniss: *Hallucinating* Alright, keep a cool head...go get Glimmer's bow and arrows...use her corpse to put on hilarious puppet show...and somehow everything will turn out OK

Peeta: Katniss! Run!

Katniss: Oh hi Peeta! Let's swap clothes so I can make cakes and you can do arrows

Peeta: _Baguette_ out of here!

Katniss: *Hallucinates*

_Katniss' father: Hey fellas, I think tonight's the night. My wife is finally going to tell me what her first name is_

_Miners: Nice! *High-fives*_

Katniss: Well that sucked. I thought I'd get to see dancing elephants or something

-  
*Several days later*

Katniss: *Wakes up* Ugh, what happened? Did I get high on the ecstasy of murder again? *Spots Rue* Hello?

Rue: *Hides*

Katniss: If you're going to watch me sleep, it's basic manners to show me your face

Rue: *Shows face*

Katniss: Eww, put it away! I'm kidding, let's share a squirrel

Katniss and Rue: *Eat squirrel and struggle to make small talk*

Katniss:...so how's school?

Rue: We don't have schools

Katniss: Cool, us neither. How long was I asleep?

Rue: Couple of days. I changed your leaves twice

Katniss: But most of the leaves are under my clothes...

Rue: Yes

Katniss:...alright. What happened while I was out?

Rue: The girl from 1 and the boy from 10

Katniss: Started dating? Good for them

Rue: Were killed

Katniss: Not so good for them. And the boy from my district?

Rue: I heard a woman's scream yesterday that I assumed to be him, so I'm sure he's still alive. Is it true what they say about you and him?

Katniss: Absolutely not. No one can prove that he's my son

Rue: That's not what they-

Katniss: Where are Cato and the others?

Rue: Down by the lake. Their supplies are piled up in this great big pyramid

Katniss: That doesn't sound like a trap at all. Let's go for it!

-  
*Next morning*

Katniss: *Collecting branches* This green stuff is going to smoke like crazy, and it'll make you hungry for hours, so be careful with it. We'll set off these fires, and I'll destroy their stuff while they're chasing you

Rue: And how will I get away from them?

Katniss:...oh, did you want that to be part of the plan? How about this? *Whistles a tune*

Mockingjays: *Repeat tune*

Rue: OK, so if we hear that, it means we're OK and we'll be back real soon

Katniss: Alright. See you for supper. And hey, if we're lucky, we may get to eat Clove

-  
*The Lake*

Cato: *Sees fire* Look at that! Let's go. *To boy* You stay guard until we get back

Boy: Alright boy, time to shine. This is your moment. The stage is finally yours. Here we go. It's all on you. The bases are loaded and you're up to bat. You're the belle of the ball

Foxface: *Steals food and runs*

Boy: You blew it, boy! You're the reason your parents got divorced! *Runs after Foxface*

Katniss: *Fires arrow, knocks down apples, blows up supplies pyramid*

Boy: *Comes back* Hey...this place looks different

Cato: *Also comes back* What the hell happened here? You're the reason your parents got divorced, boy! *Breaks boy's neck*

Boy: My life is over...but I lived as few others have dared to dream. I had my moment. Owned the stage. Hit the homerun. Danced with a prince...

Cato: *Breaks boy's neck again*

-  
*The Forest*

Katniss: *Whistles tune*

Mockingjays: *Repeat*

Katniss: Good. That's a subtle way of alerting Rue without drawing attention to ourselves

Rue: KATNISS!

Katniss: That isn't *Runs to find Rue*

Rue: *Trapped under net* Katniss! I was taking a nap under this net and I had a bad dream

Katniss: Don't worry, you're perfectly safe now

Rue: *Gets stabbed through chest immediately by Marvel*

Katniss: Oooh, I knew I'd jinx it *Fires arrow into Marvel*

Marvel: Well this isn't...Marvel-ous *Dies*

Rue: Katniss...can you sing?

Katniss: _Deep in the meadow  
__Under the willows  
__A bed of grass  
__A soft green pillow_

Rue: A simple 'no' would have been fine *Dies*

Katniss: *Arranges flowers around Rue*

Marvel: I like daffodils...

Katniss: Shut up, I'm not doing this for you

-  
*Capitol*

Haymitch: Don't kill her, you'll just create a martyr

Seneca: Don't kill her? In the Hunger Games? We'll end up with 23 martyrs regardless

Haymitch: You have a lot of anger out there. I know you know how to handle a mob. You've done it before

Seneca: Of course. I can see their gravestones from my window

Haymitch: Give them something to root for

Seneca: Such as? A lovable yet strict Gamemaker who tries to balance his professional and personal life in an attempt to have it all?

Haymitch: Young love

Seneca: Yes, I suppose the Gamemaker could have a love intere-

Haymitch: KATNISS AND PEETA!

-  
*Garden*

President Snow: So you like an underdog?

Seneca: Everyone likes an underdog

Snow: I don't

Seneca: Me neither. I hate them. If I was an underdog I'd probably just kill myself

Snow: I've been to Districts 11, 12 and 13. Lots of underdogs there. Many of them sharing food and housing with regular dogs. They grow crops, minerals, future Hunger Games losers. And I think, if you could see the underdogs, you would not root for them either *Continues trimming roses*

Seneca: Um, President Snow, you've been standing in this garden for three weeks. We're all a little worried about you

Snow: *Trimming roses* Don't like underdogs...I certainly don't like underdogs...

-  
*Arena*

Claudius over PA: Attention tributes. The regulations requiring a single victor have been suspended. From now on, two victors may be crowned if both originate from the same district

Katniss: Peeta...this means that I can win with the guy that's helping the Careers to kill me! *Runs to find Peeta* *Finds Peeta*

Peeta: *Is disguised as a rock*

Katniss: Great camouflage. I found you in 5 minutes

Peeta: I thought that if I closed my eyes and hid, somehow everyone else would die and I'd win the Hunger Games

Katniss: Oh Peeta, it's just as you wanted. The Games haven't changed you at all – you're still a moron

Peeta: A moron with a cut leg. Look at it. It's like two papercuts on top of each other

Katniss: What was it?

Peeta: I fell on my keys

Katniss and Peeta: *Hobble to a cave*

Peeta: It's a bit damp. And the walls are covered in fungus

Katniss: It's like a 5-star hotel in District 12. No one will find you in here

Peeta: As a precaution, I will paint myself to look like a bear

Katniss: We just need to get you some medicine

Peeta: I don't get many parachutes. I got _one_, but I think it was from someone who wanted me to lose because it was full of tracker jackers

Katniss: We'll work out something else *Kisses Peeta*

Peeta: Katniss...kisses don't actually makes booboos better. My mum taught me that when I was 15

-  
*Later*

Parachute: *Arrives*

Katniss: *Collects*

Card: _You call that a kiss? I've laid bigger ones on Seneca - H_

Peeta: Medicine?

Katniss: No, soup. Hold still while I pour it into the cut

Peeta: I think it's for eating

Katniss: Also good. You fed me once, remember?

Peeta: I think about that all the time, how I tossed you that old bread into the mud. I'm surprised I wasn't given some sort of sainthood. I remember the first time I saw you. Your hair was in two braids instead of one. So was mine. It was at the music assembly. The teacher said "Who knows the valley song?" and you shot her through the neck with an arrow. After that, I watched you going home every day. To make sure you weren't going to take me out next. So, say something

Katniss: I'm not good at saying something. I let my bow do the talking. Bow?

Bow:...

Katniss: Thank you, bow, that was beautiful. What's that, bow? No, I can't do that, Peeta's my friend...

TO BE CONTINUED...


	6. Chapter 6

**Project Hunger Games**

By Project H

Part 6

*Next day*

Claudius over PA: Attention tributes. Commencing at sunrise, there will be a feast tomorrow at the Cornucopia. Each of you needs something desperately and we plan to be generous hosts

Katniss: What we need desperately? Peeta...they must have provided you with suicide pills

Peeta: Or maybe medicine. Either way, you're not going alone

Katniss: I was thinking of asking Cato. We haven't really had a chance to get to know each other

Peeta: Katniss, you're not going to risk your life for me. I'm not gonna let you

Katniss: And how are you going to stop me? By bleeding on me? Just sit down and think about cakes *Kisses Peeta*

*Meanwhile, in District 12*

Gale: *Glares at screen*

Friend: Hey Gale, look! It's that girl you like. She's kissing another guy. Look Gale! That's not you that she's kissing. It's Peeta. The girl you like is kissing Peeta. Look Gale! Look at the screen. Gale! Can you hear me, Gale? GALE!

Gale: *Hits friend with hammer*

-  
*Morning*

Katniss: *Sneaks out while Peeta is sleeping. It's like a walk of shame, but with the added sexy feature of being potentially deadly*

Bags: *Are placed in cornucopia, labelled 2, 5, 11 and 12*

Foxface: *Takes bag 5* Finally some cigarettes. I was dying out here

Katniss: *Goes for bag 12*

Clove: *Throws knife*

Katniss: Wow, someone's keen on getting Peeta's medicine

Clove: No one's stopping me from getting my bag of M&M's *Jumps on Katniss*

Katniss: *Brawls with Clove*

Clove: *Gets on top of Katniss* Where's lover boy?

Katniss: You're not making a bad replacement for him at the moment

Clove: It's a shame you couldn't help that little friend of yours. What was her name? Peeta? Well now we're gonna kill _you_. Any second now. I'll just raise my knife...stare at you a bit more...position the knife carefully in the air...I wonder what dress I should wear to my victory ceremony...and start bringing down the knife...

Thresh: *Grabs Clove* You killed her? I heard you! You said her name! Well, you said Peeta's name, but I know who you meant!

Clove: It was a joke! I make jokes. Here's one – What happened to Rue after she met the Careers? She was Rue-ined

Thresh: *Slams Clove against cornucopia*

Clove: You don't get it? *Dies*

Thresh: Just this time, 12. For Rue *Leaves*

Katniss: 12 has a name, Thresh *Grabs Bag 12, and none of the other bags for some reason, even though there's nothing stopping her*

-  
*Cave*

Katniss: Peeta, I got the medicine

Peeta: What happened to you?

Katniss: The girl from 2 threw a knife. Then Thresh threw her skull into a wall

Peeta: You said you weren't gonna go

Katniss: If the worst thing I do in this fight to the death is tell a lie, that makes me a pretty good person *Rubs cream on Peeta's wound*

Peeta: Wow, this is actual medical cream. When I get a wound at home, I just rub the cream filling of a pie on it. Now you

Katniss: I don't need it. When I get a wound at home, I just yell at it until it closes

-  
*Morning*

Peeta: *Wakes* Wow, you look great

Katniss: Thanks. Bed hair really works for me. Also my cut is healed

Peeta: Mine too. Kind of. A little. Damn it, I can't even heal as good as you

Katniss: We could go home. We're the only team left. If you don't count Thresh as a team

*River*

Katniss: Cato will be at the cornucopia. He's not going to go some place he doesn't know. His mail gets delivered to the cornucopia so he'll stay there. Foxface could be anywhere. If we can't even remember her name, I don't like our chances of reading her mind

Peeta: We should hunt around here. I'll take the bow

Katniss: Say what?

Peeta: I'm kidding. I know I'm useless. I'll go and find the tastiest dirt that I can *Walks off*

Cannon: *Booms*

Katniss: Peeta?! Are you OK? I heard a girl scream and thought it had to be you

Peeta: No, I'm fine. I'm collecting berries

Katniss: That's nightlock! They kill adult humans in a minute. _You_ would have been dead in 7 seconds

Foxface: *Lies dead nearby*

Peeta: I never even knew she was following me

Katniss: She's clever

Peeta: Too clever. Not too clever to not eat poison, but that's a mistake anyone could make. Plenty of smart people would. And some smart people may have already eaten one or two of them before you stopped them and they're now getting a little worried about it

Katniss: *Collects the nightlock* Maybe Cato likes berries too

Peeta: *Through a mouthful of berries* Good idea

-  
*Control room*

Seneca: Ready to go?

Controller 1: Take a look

Muttation hologram: *Appears on the table*

Controller 1: I made it extra fluffy. To tempt them to try and cuddle it

Seneca: Perfect

Controller 2: Sure. This is a _very_ healthy way to move on from your dog dying last week

Controller 1: THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT!

-  
*Arena*

Katniss: Did you hear that?

Peeta: What? No. Unless it was someone telling us to kiss again. Then yes. And we should do as they say

Someone in the distance: *Screams*

Cannon: *Fires*

Thresh's face: *Appears in the sky*

Peeta: It's Thresh! He has appeared to me in the clouds to give advice! What do you have to say, Thresh?

Katniss: Peeta, that means he was killed

Peeta: Jealousy. That means you wish he was talking to you

Muttations: *Attack*

Peeta: Jealously. That means this dog-

Katniss: Shut up and run!

Peeta: *Shuts up and runs*

Katniss and Peeta: *Climb cornucopia*

Muttations: *Cannot*

Katniss: That one looks a bit like Rue. Hmm...

Cato: *Grabs Peeta*

Katniss: *Aims arrow*

Cato: Go on. Shoot. I'm dead anyway. Well, not if I win, but I'm dead if I die. I didn't know that till now. I kept thinking "It's alright if I die. I'll still be alive." But it's not really true. Dead things are dead. Now I understand why everyone was so sad when my uncle was hit by that car. I thought he'd be alright, even after we cremated him. But I can do this. One more kill...

Peeta: *Points at Cato's hand*

Katniss: I could kill Cato, and save Peeta, and split the glory. Or kill them both, grant Cato his final wish, and get the victory parade all to myself. Easy decision *Fires arrow into Cato's hand*

Cato: Aargh! *Falls to ground*

Katniss: Damn it! I was aiming for Peeta

Muttations: *Maul Cato*

Katniss: *Shoots Cato in the head, putting him out of his misery* Damn it! I was aiming for Peeta again

Cannon: *Fires*

Claudius: Attention tributes, there has been a slight rule change. Firstly, we're removing the 'no hair-pulling' restriction. Secondly, the previous revision allowing for two victors from the same district has been revoked. Good luck. And may the odds be ever in your favour. And they're pretty damn in favour of Katniss right now. Seriously, unless she suddenly gets the plague or something, she's got this one in the bag

Peeta: Go ahead. They have to have their victor

Katniss: Well at least make a game of it by running from side to side or something. No. Wait. Why should they get a victor?

Peeta: Oh...I thought you might spare me because you don't want to kill me. But just doing it as a big 'Screw you' to the Capitol...alright then. Doesn't hurt my feelings at all

Katniss: *Gets out Nightlock and hands some to Peeta* Trust me

Peeta: Together?

Katniss: Oh...that'll work too. Yep. We'll both do it

Peeta: One...

Katniss: Two...

Both: Three!

Claudius: Stop! Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the winners of the 74th annual Hunger Games

Peeta: *Spits out nightlock* Katniss, spit out the berries! We've won!

Katniss: Spit them out? I never put them in my mouth. I'm not an idiot

Peeta: Yeah...me neither

-  
*Capitol*

Haymitch: They're not happy with you. Dying is pretty easy; they wonder how you keep screwing it up

Katniss: Well I'm sorry it didn't go the way they planned

Haymitch: At least you're big enough to admit that yo-

Katniss: NOT!

Haymitch: What?! Katniss, this is serious. They don't take these things lightly

*Meanwhile*

Guards: *Lock Seneca in room*

Seneca: *Sees bowl of nightlock* What are these doing here...I didn't order room service

*Back at the Capitol*

Haymitch: When they ask, you say you couldn't help yourself. You were so in love with this boy...no, it's Peeta. No one will believe that story. Just say you ate some bad squirrel and were nauseous

*Stage*

Caesar: How did you feel when you found him by that river?

Katniss: I felt like that happiest person in the world. That squirrel was really getting to me

Caesar: And what about you, Peeta?

Peeta: No idea. She never shared her food

-  
*Presentation*

Snow: *Places crown on Katniss and sees mockingjay pin* What a lovely pin

Katniss: It's from my district

Snow: They must be very proud of you

Peeta: *Cough* AndalsoproudofPeeta *cough*

-  
*Train*

Peeta: So what happens when we get back?

Katniss: I guess we try to forget. Hopefully they don't have some sort of victory celebration to remind us

*Victory celebration*

Katniss: Damn it!

-  
*Capitol*

Snow: *Watches Katniss and Peeta on television* Hmm, I hope the guards took Seneca to a room with a nightlight as I told them to. I was worried they may have misheard me...

**THE END**

**Author's note: Thank you very much to all who read, reviewed or favourited. Up next, I think I'll be releasing a follow-up to my McLaggen fanfic from a while ago. I know I said I'd do Breaking Dawn Part 2, but I haven't started on it yet so if I actually decided to do it, it won't be out for a while yet. Farewell for now, and thanks again!**


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